Gold streaks of summer
Possibilities are exciting, I live for them, I live them…in fact my middle name is Possibilities. I know that the choices I make in my life are the only choices I could have made at the time. It is pointless to regret my decisions, or to think I could have made a better one or a different one- these are the things that add texture and liveliness to our lives, without them, there is no 'you'. But with every road you choose, it's impossible not to wonder what could have been, if I'd gone left, instead of right. It's hard to know what possibility you'd given up to chase another, and of course it's hard to accept that you will probably never know exactly what it is that you have given up by making the choices you do.
But choices must be made. That's it…..time will not stand still for my indecisiveness. Sometimes I question whether I'm making certain choices for the right reason. Today, I am wondering why I chose to be here…where I am now.
Chasing love….. And I feel like I've gone through enough at this point to understand the value and rarity of that. And I'm proud to say, I've finally learned to appreciate it.
Have I REALLY finally learned to appreciate that which I have? I have always made decisions based on how interesting, or colorful they are. Would this be a good story to tell, would this go well in a book? Will I see something I have never seen before? Will I learn something I could not have learned anywhere else?
Most of the time life changing experiences involved me moving myself somewhere totally new, often alone, and struggling through all the unseen issues that one must adapt to in a new environment.
I have never been happier. This makes me wonder, if it's necessary for me to make my life so much harder, lonelier and unpredictable. Is this the ONLY way to have a good story to tell, to see something I've never seen before, to learn something I could not have learned?
As I get older I start to see things in a different way. I've been running and running, what would life be like if I just stood still? Certainly I'm old enough to know now that I could never escape experience, that it is to be had no matter where you are or what you are doing. It makes me wonder, perhaps there is an adventure out there that doesn't require loneliness, or difficulty.
The future is full of uncertainty and I feel like after six months unpredictable days and nights someone has hit the fast forward button, and all of a sudden I've got to make some decisions, and fast. It is not a curse to choose between one good thing, and another.
Last week I took a job offer at my old office and now I'm back to my 8-5. I have no doubt that it will be a great adventure. At the same time, I'm still trying to move to Norway to start my classes, which I've had to post pone till August 2013 (that seems so far away…). I don't know what will happen, but I know that either way I will be happy. Don't ask me how :)
In spite of all this though, I am still afraid. I remember when I was younger, every time I would get the last pages of a book I was really enjoying reading, I would get really sad. And when I would get to the last page, I would cry.
When things are good, it's hard to get to the end. I don't know what I am more afraid of, the end of things as they are, or the possibility that I am not yet ready for what's next to come.
But that's silly. We're NEVER ready! I'm really not ready. But there's no turning back, so here I come.