That's just me though...
I have something on my mind.
Okay, so you know that feeling you get when you watch something or read something that gives you that profound feeling felt deep within the core of your being? Of course, there are different ways this feeling manifests itself, but there is that universal recognition of what that feeling is. That soul-wrenching feeling that you have just felt something you have never felt before, and know, really know that after feeling it that one time, you will never be able to feel it the same way again. You know that if you ever try to get that feeling back, it will just be a cheap attempt to reach something you find contemptuous, because it isn't an everyday thing. But honestly, you don't find it contemptuous; you just resent it because it was so beautiful, so moving, and now it's gone. Like an orgasm, as fast as it comes is as fast as it goes.
I just recently felt that one stirring, glorious feeling that one gets from watching something profound. This has happened only a few times before, but this feeling was something new. Something so raw, so bare, that it makes me well up in tears. The act of one human being bearing there soul in the most vulnerable, honest, yet courageous way, is the most beautiful act a human can commit. Nothing can touch someone showing you who they are, who they really are in the very deep center of their core. To know, the person you are telling this to may be making judgments about you as you speak. To know, the person you are telling your every fear, insecurity, or struggle to has the ability to someday use this in a fit of malice. This is the hardest thing for any human being to ever do, and rarely does a human being meet someone they believe they can share these things with... RARELY. You know that when you tell this person these things that you don't want them to react with sympathy or with worried speech. You don't want this person to feel sorry for you or tell you it's going to be okay. You simply want them to acknowledge that what you just did took guts, and that they need to feel special and honored to know what you have just told them
Most of us go through our lives, and we never meet anyone we can have that connection with. We try and we try to find it, but the more we try the harder it becomes. We look and search for people who we believe can fill some empty, outrageous expectations we have of what that perfect person should be. We don't realize that life is not a movie, and that life isn't going to throw you some fantastical outline of what you want your perfect partner to be. What life wants you to do, is live every day until something dawns on you. Until one day you just wake up and say, "Oh, I get it." This desperate search is just that... desperate. Why are we so desperate in a lifetime that has absolutely no need for desperation? Why are we so scared of being alone, when we haven't even experienced what being alone truly is? You'll be alone once all of your family dies, all of your friends die, and everyone close to you is gone. Then, and only then can you be desperate. Until then, these pathetic attempts people make to try to make themselves happy is just sad and troubling.
Why is it so hard for people to just relax, and stop being so worried about who they are going to end up with, and when they are going to meet the right person? I believe that there is that one, truly special person out there for all of us; but, I also believe there are other people who are just as special out there for us. We live in a world of almost 7 billion people. You can't sit back and tell me that there is only one person I will ever have a true and deep connection with. I just don't buy that. I know that there are many people I could have that truly deep and special connection with. I'm just not going to waste my time pursuing every single guy I think could be that person. I'm not going to pursue some guy because we like a similar band, or because we both like the same food, or because we both have the same favorite movie. Statistically, I'll meet a guy that likes a lot of the same stuff that I do all the time, but that has nothing to do with that connection you know exists. There are only very, very few times, (i'm talking like 2 times), I know that connection existed. I can't even explain it. Everything just felt completely right, and I felt completely happy to be alive. Of course, this is when I was younger and I was the shyest kid that ever walked the planet, thus opposing any attempt at clarifying upon this connection, but that doesn't take away from the connection I know I felt. A connection I haven't felt in a long time, and don't know if I'll ever feel again. A connection I know was true, and pure. Something that as we get older, becomes harder to recognize as we conform to these ideas of what society tries to make us into. Or what we try to become in order to be something for someone else. This makes me sad all the time, and I don't know what to do about it.
After going through some tough times this past year, I feel like a shell has covered my heart. That I've reached some level of cynicism that I never thought possible. That everything I do, that everything I say, is I don't even know what. I don't even know how to describe how weird everything has become. It may just be this seasonal depression that kicks my ass every single year. Or, it may be some new transcendence into a tomb of darkness that I've yet to experience; and trust me, I've experienced darkness. I hope it isn't that. Quite frankly, I'm sick of experiencing and breaking through the darkness. I just want everything to be exuberant and illuminated. I'm ready for that series of harmless glorification.
I don't know. This is pretty heavy for a blog entry, haha. When I get in this writing mood though, I honestly never want to stop. I want to keep writing, and writing, and writing. I wish all of the time that I could just make this my life and that I could just get paid money to sit in my room and write. Just write about everything I've learned, everything I feel, everything I have experienced, everything I wish to experience, every desire of every human-being all wrapped into one huge piece of writing that would just bring joy, laughter, sadness, anguish, and purity to all who read it.
That's just me though.
I would like to take this time out to thank everyone for following and/or reading the blog.